Serves two. For more or less people, adjust quantities accordingly. This is the full length version; for the condensed version, omit steps one to four.
1. At approximately 1:00 pm, turn on Netflix.
2. Even though you detest using the cumbersome Netflix SEARCH function, go to it and type in the letter M and then the letter A.
3. Making A Murderer will come up. Hit the arrow to start the first episode. At the end of the episode say something like, “What’s going on? Virtually everything’s been resolved. How are they ever going to fill the other nine episodes?”
4. Continue through episodes two through five and, at the end of episode five, open a bottle of red wine and, while pouring, talk about how glad you are that you didn’t quit the series after episode one and then argue about…sorry discuss…whether you think Steven could possibly be guilty.
5. At the end of episode six, pick up the telephone and dial 415 110 2153. Tell the person who answers that you would like a medium pizza…no, sorry…a large pizza (suddenly remembering that cold pizza is much more pleasurable than cold cereal for breakfast).
Tell them that you would like Italian sausage, pepperoni, red peppers, green olives and mushrooms or, perhaps, your own individual choice of toppings as long as one of them is sausage because this sausage is very, very good sausage and not the cut up wienies you find on pizzas from places like Gombo’s. Hang up the phone, refill the glasses with red wine, turn on the oven to its highest possible temperature and proceed with episode seven.
6. Hit the PAUSE button and answer the door. Remove the pizza from the box, open the two little plastic cups and shake on all of the parmesan but only a modicum (always wanted to use that word) of the chili flakes, remembering that Mexican chilis are far more piquant than Italian. Place the pizza in the oven then, almost immediately, shake your head, open the door and take it out.
Remove two slices and place it back in the oven. Attempt to refill the glasses with red wine and discover the bottle is empty. Go to the fridge, take out a large bottle of cola, look at it, and put it back in the fridge. Congratulate yourself on rescuing those two slices from the oven as you take the second bite out of yours and open a second bottle of red wine.
7. Pour two more glasses of red wine. For the next two minutes, discuss whether or not you think the cops were framing Steven Avery by planting evidence (because that’s how much more time the pizza requires in the oven). Enjoy the sizzling sounds as you remove the pizza.
8. Rehit the PAUSE button to restart episode seven of Making A Murderer and wonder if it’s possible to sit at a dining room table when eating pizza instead of in front of a TV. As you think back to that other time you ate pizza, the time when you burnt the roof of your mouth, gingerly take your first bite of the reheated pizza. Pat yourself on the back (being careful not to injure your rotator cuff) for knowing that the crust is so much more crispy and crunchy, so much better, because you gave it that little reheat.
9. Continue through glasses four and five and episodes eight, nine and ten and and place any remaining slices of the pizza in the fridge. If there are no remaining slices, feel for any fat rolls in your stomach as you waddle off to bed thinking about how remarkably well the documentary was produced.
10. Open your eyes and squint them closed again. Feel your stomach once more as you head to the kitchen and start the coffee dripping. Open the fridge to get the cream, look at the pizza slices and quickly close the door. Open the door again, remove a slice, and look at the toaster oven. Shake your head and take your first bite. Wonder if anything tastes as good the morning after. Wonder if you should sign the petition being sent to The White House due to the enormous impact Making A Murderer had on people like you. And me.